A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
