That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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