The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
