at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize