I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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