I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
