How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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