you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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