i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
