Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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