The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
