I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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