whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
