What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
