Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
