u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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