There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
