DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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