The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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