tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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