were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize