good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
