he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
