It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
