how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
