What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
