i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
