You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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