I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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