I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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