Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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