last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
