I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
