I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i out mim tonsoeep
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
