I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
