Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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