I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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