The best revenge is premature balding
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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