Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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