I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
