remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
