Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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