Apparently you make a good broom.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Send help, water and tortillas.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
