I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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