true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
