the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
