This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
