I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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