Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
