I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize