For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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