Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
