omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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