Im at strip club and am horny
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
