you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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