I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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