So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
