He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
