Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
