Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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