Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
