I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
