just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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