filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You made out with two different species that night
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It's shark week go big or go home
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
