So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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