you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
