i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
if only i could text you this smell
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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