i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
